KY is your friend

The transrectal needle biopsy is not nearly as awful as it sounds. I had three of them, but only two while conscious.

The idea is to take a number of samples from all areas of your prostate for a pathologist to examine.

The worst part for me was the self-administered Fleet Enema.

I think every doctor is different, but my guy wanted me to do this a few hours before the procedure.

The instructions on the box are fairly simple to read and fairly difficult to follow through on.

They assume that you are nimble enough to reach behind your back and perform small motor tasks with accuracy.

You also have to consider that it is an emotionally sensitive event. You know that in an hour or so there are going to be three or four people huddled around your butt seeing whether you did a proper job with your enema. That's a little bit of pressure.

The only plus side is that the enema does give you a "clean" feeling. If it were not so unpleasant I could see why people have them voluntarily.

For the procedure, you strip down, put on one of those ridiculous medical gowns and lie on your side with you face to the wall and your knees slightly bent.

The doctor, who will never look you in the face after this, enters the room and starts to explain the procedure.

My guy explained the spring loaded gun he was going to use to shoot a needle through my rectal wall, guided by a view from an ultrasound, into my prostate and quickly out again with a tiny little sample.

"You will feel it," he said, "but it won't actually hurt."

He then fired the needle gun and reloaded it.

It sounded almost exactly like the cheap plastic dart pistols we had as kids. You could hear the spring squeaking when he cocked it. I was afraid to look. I was sure I would see a bright orange plastic gun and a blister pack on the floor.

My doctor must have had some sort of deal with the fine folks at KY Jellies because he wasn't shy about its use. He greased up my backside and inserted his devices.

It wasn't painful. It was uncomfortable and strange. I tried hard to relax.

He positioned the device and fired off the first shot.

Flick a finger from your right hand on the heel of your left hand. That's what it feels like – only it is inside your butt.

He took his time repositioning before each shot and the only discomfort I felt was the anticipation.

After he took four samples he had to shift the ultrasound wand to aim at the other side of the gland.

The rotation of the device made it feel like it was shaped like a hockey stick. As I recall this was the most unpleasant feeling of the day.

The next three samples went pretty fast.

I stared straight ahead at the wall about 6 inches from my faces.

The nurse, who had been silent, gently put her hand on my shoulder and leaned close to my ear.

She said with a smooth honey-laden southern lilt, "Just one more, honey."

The New Yorker in me sprang to the forefront.

"You think I'm not counting?" I said.

As soon as the procedure was over the doctor and nurse snapped off their gloves and were out the door in a flash. The patient's assistant, an elderly black fellow, who I immediately loved, came in the door to help me get up and get cleaned off.

As I stood in the middle of the examination room floor trying to wipe the KY from between my cheeks with wads of Kleenex he said, "The only way you're gonna get that clean is to go home, get in the shower, spread out your cheeks and let the water sluice on through."

He was right.

Of course for a few days I had a good amount of blood in my urine.

GRAPHIC CONTENT WARNING

The weirdest side effect however is that for a few weeks, my semen was bright red in color. Very strange.

The only other strange thing is that while the biopsy came back negative subsequent PSA tests kept coming back with more and more disturbing numbers.

That led to my second biopsy, which again, came back negative.

Finally, I met the urologist at the hospital, where they gave me a general anesthetic and performed a biopsy where they took 20 samples instead of 8. It was two years since my first PSA test – this one came back positive.

I got the news on my 42nd birthday. It was also my daughter Lucy's first birthday – Hurray!